don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
