Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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