It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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