I was born with a shot glass in my hand
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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