Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
