Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
