She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
