Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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