Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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