your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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