My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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