Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
