Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I would fuck him just for his dog
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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