if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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