Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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