In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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