We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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