guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
