Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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