I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
As shirtless as possible
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
