just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
