She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
