i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
