You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
