do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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