Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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