ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I could make wine with my vomit
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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