when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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