I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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