Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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