I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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