sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He? As in you personified your dick?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
