We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
