I just threw up on my dentist
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
