how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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