i wish there were pregnant emoticons
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
