just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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