i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
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He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
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My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants