I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival