half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for