you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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