if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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