I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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