I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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