You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
