Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
