You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
