shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I want to fling myself into the sun
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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