He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
