So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
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