I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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