you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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