Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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