you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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