my phone needs a breathalizer
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
