I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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