So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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