wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The uberlube is also flammable
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Randomize
