I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
two words: eviction party
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
