My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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